The internet has many purposes that do not involve sex, none of which matter for the purposes of this article. What does matter is that personal ads, which long were forced to the back of the local newspaper where hopeful perverts tried to find like-minded deviants to get together and masturbate off of bridges are now able to branch out in a more anonymous fashion. Previously, the pale fellow who lived at the edge of town might have been afraid to put his ad in the Bungholer, Alabama Gazette but now with Craiglist or any number of other national and international sites that cost absolutely no money, even the most deviant of personalities can hope to find their life partner and/or someone to use them as a human toilet for a weekend.

But how persistent are deviants? How desperate? Others online have shown that 419 scammers can be scammed by people who are aware of what they’re up to and will go to great lengths and communicate for extended periods of time with someone who is being absolutely retarded, all in the hopes they’ll get money. How long will an anonymous internet weirdo correspond with a stranger in the hopes of getting sex? The answer, in this case, is 14 e-mails.

Here’s the first ad I found that screamed of horrible shame and desperation:

Saran Wrap Fetish

Any girls into domination??? I’d love to get wrapped and smothered. I’m 190lbs good looking and in good shape!! Write me and we’ll talk. What do you have to loose???

I figured it was a winner and I’ll give it a shot. So I made up an e-mail address that should have been the first clue to any normal human that something was amiss, loosestool69@blankmail.com and went to town.

My 1st Reply

Hi,

My name is Lola, I am 37 and work in a high school cafeteria. I love having nasty fun and I definitely know my way around a roll of saran wrap. I love cats.

Write back, I’ll make you regret it.

So far, so good. It’s from a clearly abnormal e-mail address, and a 37 year old lunch lady who love cats isn’t the most seductive image, but nothing’s too insane yet. I was confident I’d get a reply. After all, this guy’s into saran.

His 1st Response

Hi Lola,

I’d love to regret it :). Where do you live? I live in Oshawa but work in Toronto.

Have you ever done the saran wrap thing?

Success! No mention whatsoever of my unfortunate e-mail addy or harrowing profession. So I guess I need to up the ante.

My 2nd reply:

Hi there,

I live in Scarborough but work in Toronto in a school. There’s a lot of saran wrap at my job, I always get ideas I’m a little nervous about this because I have never met anyone from the internets before, but I do like to look at pictures online and it makes me really sweaty. I usually look at rubber and latex pictures, and also cat stuff because I love cats. I hope you like kitties too. I found this site one time full of pictures of something called LOL cats and it made me laugh, because they were all saying funny things and plus LOL is like my name. When I am not looking at those cats I like to look at sexy pictures too. At work we have giant rolls of saran wrap, even though I am pretty sure they are a generic brand and not real saran wrap.

What do you like to do with saran wrap? Where do you like to do it?

XOXO

Lola

This is the real test. I use the term internets, I mention getting sweaty and I invoke LOLcats. If this man has ever been to a forum online anywhere for more than 5 minutes, I should be busted.

His 2nd Response:

Hello again,

I’ll do it anywhere, I’m not very picky lol!! I’ve never met up with anyone online either. I have a big roll that people use to wrap skids and pallots with. Sometimes it’s to big to manage with though.Do you live with people? I do, so I can never do stuff like that at my place.I like to be all wrapped up and smothered in it. It’s a huge fetish of mine. I like the latex as well.

Clearly he’s reeking of desperation. I suspect he probably spends a lot of lonely nights with sandwich bags and saran wrap, and his giant, industrial sized roll that’s apparently hard for him to manage. I also wonder who he lives with that he’s hiding his shame from. But whatever, he opened up. Let’s try being slightly more off-putting and see what he thinks.

My 3rd Reply:

Hi,

That is great. I have always wanted to make intimate love in a public restroom or maybe on a subway. I think that would be great with latex but I bought this mask once and it nearly suffocated me. I think I may have had it on backwards, but I think I’d rather make someone else wear it instead of me so I can be in charge. I’m more used to being the boss anyway, just ask my cats, lol!

I live with my grandmother, but she’s quite old and has very bad hearing, so sometimes I can get away with things at home which is fun, it depends on her medication cycle. Some days she is much peppier than others. And of course my cats, I have 8 of them. Sometimes they eat through my rubber toys and I get angry because it’s very expensive.

Being wrapped up sounds like fun, it’d be like a plastic wrap sex mummy, although probably no one really had sex with mummies back in Egypt as that would be gross.

Do you like to play outside? I have always wanted to get all greased up in a public park.

Personally, I wouldn’t be quick to try to hook up with anyone who wants to bone in a public restroom, but that’s me. I continue to mention my cats, 8 of them, to keep it firmly established that I am unstable. They eat my dildos, which probably isn’t normal either. And I apparently wear latex masks backwards and enjoy getting greased up. I am the most seductive fake lunch lady ever.

His 3rd Response:

I would do it outside, depending on where and what time it was. So tell me what you look like!! Do you have pics??

I’ve never bought any toys but I have made a vac bed. They are easy to make. You ever been in a vac bed?? Do you like to be smothered too? I do, I love being smothered till I’m about to pass out. It’s definetly a rush!!.

Nothing I have said so far has put him off yet. If anything, he seems more interested. He wants pics and is willing to get greased up with me. He also wants to share his fetish. We may have bonded.

My 4th Reply:

Hi again,

I have some pictures but nothing too racy. My grandmother found my camera once and erased so many photos of me with my rubber toys, it was so embarrassing. Luckily if you just wait a while she forgets most things so it was OK, but that could have been bad!

I will attach a couple pics for you. I am petite and have all my own teeth, but a slight limp on the left. My body is naturally hairless. What about you, what do you look like? Do you like large nipples? I have a huge one on the left, and it’s super sensitive. I have never heard of a vac bed before. I just have a regular vaccum, it’s a really good one. It uses cyclone power to woosh up all the dirt. One time I got Lewis’ tail stuck in it. Lewis is one of my cats, I’ll show you a pic of him in his bed, he’s such a card!

I have never been smothered before, not that way. Once I was smothered in peanut butter but that’s different. My grandmother caught me doing that too. By next morning she forgot about it but then complained there was no PB for toast. I laughed. Have you ever passed out before? Does the plastic make you sweaty? My rubber makes me sweat buckets, I feel like a longshoreman when I do it in the summer. Whatever gets you all greased up and ready to go though, right?

Indeed, grandma erased my photos of me and my rubber toys. The ones the cats eat. I feel like this is pushing things a bit in terms of my description. A limp, a naturally hairless body and one super sized nipple are weird, right? I’m sure they are. Comparing yourself to a longshoreman is also weird. But anyway, I search online for some pictures that are entirely mundane and believable and send him a couple. Including a cat pic.

His 4th Response:

Hello,

No, I’ve never passed out…yet! I surprised you’ve never heard of a vac bed. You gotta try it!! I’m hairless as well. for some reason I’m don’t have any chest hair, but I love it though. I attached a pic but I don’t have any recent ones. I’m in the black sweater and it was about 2 years ago. I’ve been going to the gym for a while now, so I’m a little thicker. I don’t really sweat in the saran wrap, i usually keep a tank top on so it’s not so sticky.

So how do you feel about smothering someone till they are ready to pass out? I love having just a small hole to breath out of and then having it covered with a hand till I start seeing stars. You’ve never done that? It’s a really good rush, especially when your having intercourse.

So how do you feel about meeting? I’d love to get together sometime.

Talk to you soon.

Seems we’ve bonded again as he too is hairless. Gross. He attaches a pic that resembles the dad from ALF in his 20’s, looking confused at a backyard party. Next to him is a decrepit figure that could be male or female in a GAP hoodie with a claw hand. I’m also pleased to learn he plans ahead and wears a tank top when he wraps himself in plastic, to absorb the sweat. Atta boy. Also of note is that he not only wants to meet, but apparently wants to be nearly killed. Interesting. But am I failing? Maybe I need to push things a bit more.

My 5th Reply:

Hi,

I think smothering someone till they pass out would be fun, unless they died which would be hard to explain. I heard that the lead singer of some band, maybe Dave Matthews, used to masturbate with a belt around his neck until one day he died. Maybe it was the lead singer of Winger, I don’t know. But I bet that was super embarrassing for whoever found him, especially if he had finished his business and all. It’s best to do that with other people home, just in case I think.

Do you have any other fantasies that you would like to try? I have always wanted to be naked on a water slide, I think that would be fun, if I did not get arrested. I bet in Europe you can do that sort of thing though. Probably in France you can just go to the store naked or shit right on the sidewalk and no one cares because they’re much more open than we are over here.

What other kinds of things do you like? I tried tea bagging once and I loved it, it was just so much fun. It’s like a carnival game. Also being tied up with electrical tape and driven around, like down the highway so truckers can see.

Do you think there are parties you can go to where everyone gets wrapped up in saran wrap? I think that would be amazing. Sometimes I wonder what happens if you have gas though, lol! Sometimes after I go shopping my cats climb in the plastic bags and I laugh because it makes me think of this. Just yesterday I bought some Metamucil and Vagisil down at the drug store and then because my cat Widget got in the bag I thought I’d try it so I was running all over the place naked with a bag on my head until I got sleepy. It was so much fun!

Nothing beats a topical, pop culture reference, like the suicide/accidental death of Michael Hutchence. Or, in this case, Dave Matthews. Then I show my worldly side by discussing how in Paris you can shit on the street and how I enjoy tea bagging. Finally I show I am a risk taker in that I like to run around naked with a bag on my head until I get sleepy. In a nutshell, I have confirmed beyond a doubt in this e-mail that I am either a faker or a complete, blithering retard.

His 5th Response:

I don’t think I have any other fetishes, that I know off lol.

So.. When are we gonna get together so we smother each other??

Hmm. No greeting this time and the e-mail is very brief. I may have put him off by not acknowledging his desire to meet earlier. Or, you know, all the retarded shit I said. I will respond in kind.

My 6th Reply:

I definitely think we should get together soon. I have one thing I would like to try, I hope you do not think it is too weird. I like to dress up in a uniform sometimes. A sailor uniform. Is that too weird?

Short and sweet and I drop word of a sailor suit. Good times.

His 6th Response:

That’s not weird. I’ve heard of playing dress up all the time.

Hmm again. Shorter still, but it’s on the positive. What to do? Go for broke, I say. His only interest seems to be in meeting at this point, which certainly can’t happen as I have no desire to be sodomized by the dad from ALF.

My 7th Reply:

That is wonderful. When would you like to meet? or where? I’m very excited. I think I will pack some sandwiches. Do you like egg salad? I make very good egg salad, though it does give me the wind. But I can wrap it in extra saran wrap! My sailor suit is all ready to go and everything, I just had it cleaned last week (a homeless man had vomited on it). I think this will be a lot of fun.

And then? Nothing. I’m forced to conclude that he may have realized there’s something potentially amiss about a hobo puking on my sailor suit. Or hell, maybe he doesn’t like egg salad. I’ll probably never know. One more e-mail was sent to entice a reply featuring no weirdness at all. But I was left dead in the water. For shame.

Briefly I pondered the morality of this situation. 419 scammers are thieves and deserve the bullshit some pranksters throw at them, but did this man? Did he earn my fraudulent dance? Should his desires be mocked simply for not fitting in with our societal norms? The answer is yes, as he wants to have anonymous plastic-wrap sex with a stranger. He wants it so bad he’s willing to put up with a limping, hairless lunch lady who has 8 cats and wears a sailor suit. I mean, come on.